Priorities and making time for self and others
Priorities, spending time, and learning to say "No" when it's difficult to get "Me" time.
[Note: I changed this publication’s name back to “Harshini writes”. If you’d like to know why, read the note below]
Hey there!
You probably have something you're passionate about. Even if you don’t, you probably have big ideas and goals that you're waiting to execute when the “Right time” comes.
But, in reality, the right time is not something that comes by itself. It’s something you create. We make time for the things that we prioritize the most. And postpone stuff that is of lesser priority.
What if the reason we can't get the time to work on our goals is because the to-do list we hold in our hands is full of doing favors for others?
There is more to learn about folks who put others’ wants on top of their priority list, even if they have their own things to do.
As a person with lofty goals, I can't relate. But it is certainly interesting to hear from them.
Imagine you invite someone to a holiday trip and they say, “I do want to join you guys. But, I don’t have time, sorry.”
What it means is that they don’t completely intend to make time to join you because they have other things that are pretty high up on their priority list. It doesn't mean that they don't want to join you. It simply means that they have other things they'd like to complete first.
However, the meaning of the reason can vary depending on the situation. They are either saying an excuse because they don't want to join you or maybe they're dying to go with you but they can't because they have a strict boss breathing down their neck.
Or maybe it's both. Some scenarios can combine both situations.
Let's imagine that you're the person who can't accept your friend's invitation.
Imagine that you've been wanting to make something- for example, a comic for a very, very long time. One day, you find yourself having all the essential tools and time to finally make it. While you're halfway through the process, you're determined to finish it no matter what.
And then you get a call. It's your best friend. “Did you finish the project your boss gave you?” they ask.
You say “Yes, it's over, finally.”
“Cool! So, can you join us for a road trip later this week?” they ask.
*Nervous sweating because “I can’t come because I’m making a silly comic” doesn’t seem like a good reason.*
“What if they get upset thinking that I’m giving more priority to a mere comic instead of a friend who went out of their way to invite me??”
Now the conversation can go in any way depending on how you respond and how well they understand. If you’ve ever been in this situation, somehow… I’m sorry. That’s a pretty tough situation to handle.
But, some people don’t think of this as a problem. “Of course, I’m going to prioritize people’s requests more than my own hobbies.” And some even think it’s selfish or rude to decline a friend’s request or invitation to work on a self-given project.
When you have lofty goals, splitting your free time between hanging out with family and friends and your work of passion is not an easy feat.
One day, my aunt told me that she was having trouble getting time to spend for herself. “You’re seeing it right? How I go here and there helping each family?” she asked. And I agreed because it’s true, she gets along with most people and often goes to our other relative’s houses to help them.
“My first instinct when I visit someone’s home is to look for ways how I can help them.” she said.
She also expressed her desire to spend time on her own endeavors. “I wish I could go somewhere far away, where I don’t have to spend all my time on others.”
Hearing about her desires and hopes, I knew for a fact that the people she helped didn’t do nearly as much for her. And that’s understandable because they are all genuinely busy managing work and family.
It’s no one’s fault.
But, there was a bigger issue that was troubling her.
She had to help a relative by staying at their house for a few days because they had to rest after a small surgery. And, there are others in the same house who talk in an unpleasant or bossy way and look down on others. Which was hurtful to my aunt.
So, she was venting to me about how she dislikes the way they speak.
I asked, “Putting up with those unpleasant words from people to help a relative. Is it worth the trouble?”.
“Yes, what else can I do if I want to help them?”, my aunt said.
I said, “Okay then. Don’t mind those unpleasant words from others. Take in whatever they say into one ear and let it out the other. Let’s do what we came here for and leave.”
“What are we? Stones?”, she asked.
I developed a thick skin over the years, putting up with all kinds of people. So, it made sense that hurtful words coming from others aren’t really hurting me that much anymore. But, I can’t say the same for my aunt.
I said, “If it’s really troubling you, we have the choice to go home and leave our relative in the care of the others in the house.”
She said that they were all busy. And that she’s the only person available to help. Then I said, “We have no choice but to be like stones.”
During the same conversation, we talked about another thing she had to do at the same time. She said that she’s doing a favor for someone, while she doesn’t want to. Naturally, I asked, “Why are you doing it if you don’t want to?”.
“It’s just– turns out like this.” she said.
Of course, I didn’t get it at first but after hearing about it in detail, I got to the root causes of her problems.
She puts the needs and wants of others before the needs and wants of herself.
She has trouble saying “No”.
How I figured it out, is after hearing a long story. Let me shorten it up.
So, my cousin and my aunt were talking on the phone. My cousin expressed that she wanted to get a job done, but she couldn’t because she had already entrusted the job to someone and paid them. But after a long wait, that person is not doing it and she can’t pressure them because they’re a close relative too.
My aunt said. “Why don’t we take it back and give it to a different person if it’s taking so long?”
My cousin replied, “Good idea. I’m counting on you, then.”
After that, my aunt agreed to take it back and give the job to someone else herself.
(Like I said, I just shortened the conversation. I wasn’t even present when this conversation took place. I just heard about it from my aunt. Also, I wasn’t trying to make it seem funny. It just turned out this way when I translated the conversation from our native language to English).
Okay, you get the overall idea. But, this brings up another question: if she regrets accepting to do it, why didn’t she refuse when my cousin entrusted the task to her?
A thought crossed my mind. Part of the reason most people get along with my aunt is because she has done a lot for them- including me since I was a kid. (Just recently, she even took her old smartphone to a mechanic, got it repaired, and gave it to me because I didn't have a smartphone of my own. It was a huge help!).
But, she has to make time for herself. Instead of explaining, I figured I’d demonstrate the message.
So, we did a little roleplay. “You act the role of my cousin and I’ll take your role.” I said. And then we replayed the scenario.
When she said, “Good idea, I’m counting on you, then.”
I smirked for a second. (Because I do be a little extra sometimes).
And I replied, “I have some work to do. So, I won’t have the time to do it. Sorry.”
With an upbeat tone, my aunt said, “Ohhh! So that’s what I should have said, huh? I see…”
I told her to politely refuse by saying she has other work if she doesn’t want to do the favor. She needs to learn to say “No” even if she does it in a roundabout way. The time we spend doing something you hate is a time you we never get back (As I’ve heard somewhere).
I also gave her a tip which she really seems to like. I told her to weigh both choices.
“Which is heavier? Your desire to do what you want to do or the desire to help others?” I asked.
She said, “My desire to help is heavier.”
And I said, “Let’s do that, then.”
But this time, we both were probably thinking, “It can’t be helped”. I gave a little shove. Prioritizing and making time for herself from now on is upto her.
I’m a person who has to practice making time for others more. I sometimes forget that it is important to keep a balance. And this conversation made me think about it some more.
On the other hand, there are people around us who are so nice that they would agree to do a favor for us even if they don't want to. If you’re that person, I have a lot to say, but, I’ll just sum it up in three words: Value. Your. Time.
Before you go, check out a few articles I liked reading this week:
That’s it for today. If you liked this post, you can let me know by leaving a quick like, comment, restack, or share this letter with others.
Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed reading this post and I hope it was helpful. Come again next week on Friday for a ✨new post✨
- Harshini
I think I stumbled upon your article at the right moment. Whenever I have to decline or say no, there's some kind of doubt/shame behind, like it's a bad thing to do. And since I'm the type to overthink, I find your last phrase (Value. Your. Time.) to be a helpful reminder.
Thaks for the mention Harshini 😍 This is very nice read 🥹💕