An inner battle with dark thoughts
Lessons I learned from mental breakdowns that helped me get through tough times. An inner battle. And we are winning this time!
I don't have anyone I can truly open up to in real life. I used to when I was younger, but not at present.
Maybe I would, if I had a best friend. Maybe I will when I meet my best friend, somewhere out there. Maybe a friend of mine can someday become my best friend. Or maybe I’ll have multiple best friends someday. (That would be nice, too).
Who knows? Something good may happen.
My family– the people I see and talk to every day— consists mostly of people who bottle up their thoughts and emotions.
They don't like to get involved in anything that involves sharing our honest thoughts that we usually keep to ourselves. Basically, real talk never happens. (Maybe it’s because of the amount of toxicity and normalization of suppression in our society). To some, even lending an ear to someone sad— is equivalent to inviting trouble on purpose and disrupting their peace.
They don't like getting all deep and philosophical either. They're not seeking connection, and often do the opposite: push away people when they’re not doing so well, to defend their own fragile spirits.
We are not the same.
I don’t actively avoid people so that I can be more at peace. It’s actually the opposite, I actively try not to spend too much time away from people. I’m the last person I would want to be alone with.
(One thing to keep in mind: Both types of people, People who receive energy from socializing and people who receive energy by isolating, are equally valid, normal, understandable, relatable, and completely natural. Be confident, whichever of these you are. I’m just sharing my experiences and thoughts, and it’s okay not to relate to them).
You know how there's a lump of dark thoughts in the back of every one's mind?
Yes, most people (I know so far) will pretend that it doesn't exist.
Some will get surrounded by it and struggle to get out.
Some follow the best way to deal with the darkness: they will acknowledge that it exists, but still choose to look at the positive side of things.
They are the strongest and are able to forgive themselves, forgive others, let go of their guilt, and move forward.
But it seems that I'm not that kind of person.
I'm the type to indulge in the darkness, I try to figure it out, untangle the knots, knowing it rarely ever works.
I know I can't get rid of it.
But I still keep trying. Even though the more I try, the more I get confused and lost.
It's probably one of my biggest flaws. I can't turn a blind eye like how other people do. I keep stumbling into the pit– maybe not on purpose. The pit keeps appearing beneath my feet.
What am I searching for?
What do I seek?
There are things I desire, but can never reach.
Then… What do I intend to achieve by doing this?
Are some questions I ask myself as I fall into the downward spiral.
I explore the darkness often, but I never make any progress. The opposite of progress has been the result, most of the time. The more I discovered, the heavier it became, and the worse I felt.
If only I could stay in the bliss of ignorance…
I wish I had never thought about some thoughts.
I wish I had turned a blind eye to these things, just like how others did.
But it's just not possible. Turning a blind eye to these things— feels like there's a serial killer amongst my small social circle, but I try to turn a blind eye and pretend that I didn't find out about the killer. Try imagining the situation with yourself: That's just not possible. Of course, you’d want to warn your loved ones and friends about the danger.
I'm not like others. I can't turn a blind eye to something I know exists. I've tried, but to me, turning a blind eye to the dark things feels worse than falling into the darkness. So I can’t do what everyone else is doing. (On second thought, that's okay too. Maybe it's okay to follow my gut and do and say what I feel like I need to express).
I'm as curious as a cat. It's a good thing– curiosity has led me to many discoveries, but it can also bring negativity, as you can see.
I dig deeper into things that don’t stop bothering me. Maybe to gain more control over things, keep away from the dangers, and to gain more clarity because my mind is too chaotic, or to figure out the unknown because its very existence is unbearable.
Nonetheless, I'm the type of person who wants to get to the bottom of everything that's causing me trouble, and destroy the sources of negativity that I discover, by reframing a situation in a better and manageable way.
The others are able to turn a blind eye, because what feels like a serial killer to me— feels like just your typical neighborhood troublemaker to them.
They don't dig deeper into things, thus they don't learn that the troublemaker is actually a dangerous killer. (Without code: The darkness isn't bothering them as much as it’s bothering me).
Our perspectives aren't aligned.
Maybe staying on the surface, not learning dark truths, not seeking to understand what one can't fathom, accept, make sense of, or even attempt to understand; is a bad choice.
I might be just trying to understand a bad situation, hoping that all the negativity, confusion, and denial will stop haunting me.
If I form a view on things and still don't lose hope, that's where the suffering will end. Because I'll have everything figured out. And hope will keep providing me with the energy that I need to get through each day.
But that is only half-true. Even if I managed to make sense of most of the trauma, and came to terms with it, connected the dots, put an end card to things I couldn't accept, and still accepted them at the end… There's just no way to get answers to some questions. The questions will be left unanswered, and we would have to accept that as a part of the truth: the incomplete parts.
Another problem arose.
I began to hate that I'm like this. “Why can't I stay out of the shade?” I wanted to stay where the sun shone– just like how everyone else did.
But I couldn't be like others.
And I hated the fact that I couldn't persist in staying in the sunlight.
It felt as if I was going against my nature. I was trying to be someone who is not me.
And I probably developed self-hatred, unintentionally.
I won't say “I hate myself”. I'm not sure if that's true or not. One the flipside, if I hated myself, I wouldn't be smiling widely when I get complimented for my writing.
I probably like myself more than I thought, maybe that's why compliments make me happy.
But this cruel voice that constantly criticizes and hates me and everything I do— exists. It never shuts up; always saying negative things, making me feel guilty, sad, and labeling me with awful names, like “Hypocrite” for little mistakes I make.
That's why I say I have self-hatred. Even though I don't hate myself.
I sometimes realise, that the voice is telling lies most of the time.
It tells a lie, and clouds my thinking, so I wouldn't look at the truth that isn't so bad, and the path that isn't as rough.
It told me, “I suck at conveying thoughts that matter.”
But look at me, conveying my thoughts through writing.
It says, “But none of the people I want these thoughts to reach will read.”
It's true that they are not reading now. But maybe someday, when I have accomplished a lot and it’s the talk of the town, they will change their view on me and start seeing me as someone who is capable and knowledgeable, they might read my writings, to figure out how I could manage to accomplish such big things. A similar thing could happen to you as well. (Will this hypothetical scenario stay in our daydreams, or can we turn it into reality? Best to confidently work towards the latter).
“Even if they read, they won't understand. So I have to get better at conveying them in person. When it gets too late, I won't get another chance. Just like how it has happened before.”
That's something I want to get better at, not going to lie. I suck at conveying important thoughts that I need to convey. And something becoming “Too late“ to do is the biggest fear of mine. I really want to say, “It’s never too late.“ but now, I'm not too sure. People are not immortal. Either I'll have to wholeheartedly give up on conveying a message, or push through and keep trying no matter how many times I get hurt and retreat, just to jump back into the battle arena once again.
It's just very difficult to achieve. When I try to connect, I just get hurt or hurt others and feel terribly guilty as a result. People with little empathy don’t hold back, and their words can hurt. It frustrates me, occupies a lot of space in my mind, makes me want to crawl into a hole, and it’s why most of us hesitate to open up to people, even if the other person says that you can open up. (Some mean people just say that to let your guard down. Stay alert, and brace for impact if you choose to proceed).
“Why does this have to be so difficult?!”, I wonder.
…The current me may suck at this connecting thing. But that doesn't mean it's the same for the future me.
There are many possibilities. And some possibilities are just hard to accept– like the possibility that none of your current friends and loved ones will ever understand you. That hurts and feels almost impossible to accept, or maybe— this line of thought is being pessimistic. Okay, what if you get new friends in the future and they understand you a lot better on a much deeper level? That'll give most people some hope. On the flipside, there would be someone out there who wants their current family and friends to understand them. Not a stranger they have yet to meet. That someone might be me. And it may be you as well.
It's time to pause. Maybe we're overthinking. Maybe the future you is doing a lot better than you're worried. Maybe I brought you into a downward spiral along with me.
…
Let's reframe things.
Maybe we're thinking too far ahead.
If it's too difficult, I just have to stop looking at the whole long staircase and look at the first few little steps that are in front of me.
If I'm thinking 10 steps ahead, and I see a dead end, I shouldn't worry about facing the wall that comes after those 9 steps. I'll just have to climb the 9 steps first.
Things keep changing, the subtle changes will open more doors for us.
Even if I know that a door will open when I face a wall, sometimes I can't accept that I have to enter the door. I took a peek, and what lies on the other side of the door is too foreign to me. So unfamiliar that it scares me to move forward and towards it.
Maybe you've experienced this fear before, too.
…
Let's reframe things again.
A hypothetical scenario: here we have a toddler in front of us. You don't know him. One day, he will graduate from high school, find a job in a faraway city, and move out of his parent’s house. When you look at the toddler and you think all this, you'd want to laugh. Maybe a giggle, because that's silly— that you're thinking about it now. Too soon.
Here's the twist: you're his parents. Now you don't feel like laughing anymore. Because that's something that is most likely to happen in the future. And you're going to experience it all one day. It's a not-so-fun thought, hard to accept, and parting with a loved one isn't easy.
Nonetheless, you know it's still too soon to worry about this future that is still very far away. You would immediately realize that you're overthinking. And move on with your day.
Nothing good comes from doubting the future. Or worrying about things that are yet to happen. And there's no use feeling bad for the things that have already happened.
The future doesn't physically exist. It's just a place that you created by assumptions and calculations you make based on the present. The past is memories. No one can physically exist in the future or the past; the only place you can do anything is the present. It's right now. If we want to make any good changes, now is the time.
…I want to take a small step, right now.
I don't have to carry this weight that keeps dragging me down. Thus, I keep looking for a way to let go of it.
I keep exploring the downward spiral in search of a good place to dump this weight.
I learned something good from a friend who had a chaotic (in a fun way) conversation with me the other day. He asked me what my source of outlet was. I was confused. But then I learned that he was asking how I vent my negativity.
I was surprised that his question was, “How do you do it?” rather than, “Do you do it?”
To be honest, I was relieved, after knowing that it's okay to vent my negativity. Up until seconds before this topic came up, I was totally convinced that suppression and therapy are the only options I had– because my past experiences and my environment led me to believe it, while it’s just not true.
I don't have to keep trying to suppress it, I don't have to pretend that it doesn't exist, I don't have to keep carrying it my myself, hoping it will disappear on its own.
Then, to answer my friend's question, I wondered, “What is my outlet?”
There were multiple outlets. But only one that I use the most– writing and connecting with people online.
Yes, writing is the way I've chosen. It's something that helps me convey my thoughts clearly— it's something that will keep opening many new doors.
The possibilities have extended once I started spending more time writing, and even more doors opened up when I accepted that I can also use writing as a form of outlet for the negativity that resides in my mind.
Lesson learned, no matter how much we try to suppress our thoughts, they will keep resurfacing, coming back stronger, and stronger each time until they grow big enough to sabotage our mind, making it harder and harder to get up and do things each day, while slowly devouring hope– our only source of energy.
I really want to say that, “Everything will be okay. Don’t worry too much.”
But I will ask this instead: What will you do? Let the negativity sabotage you and everything you love, or take action sooner? It’s all in your hands. (But, be sure to add me to your list of people who believe you won't let the darkness sabotage you and everything you love and worked hard for.)
Note: This isn't the only reason for why I write. It's just a small fraction of many reasons I have— to keep writing. The reasons will morph, change, disappear, increase, or become more impactful.
It's great to set goals and move towards them, but it's always best to just– let things happen without deciding to dedicate to something and feeling guilty when you can't do enough.
Don't be so hard on yourself. And I will try not to either.
Have a great weekend!
Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed reading this article and I hope it was helpful. Come again next week on Friday for a ✨new post✨
- Harshini
What helped me with negative thoughts is spirituality. Not necessarily religion, but acknowledging we are energy beings, and that we can be influenced by energies coming from other people or even energy beings like angels.
Great article! Very inspiring :)